Today on Craigslist: Assistant / Stew Meat

Text reads:
"RE:Artist Assistant/Agent Needed. (My Basement)

I will also turn you into stew meat. Please be computer literate and tender."

This ad is in response to a series of ads that have been appearing on Craigslist in the last few weeks. Basically, the person is purporting to be a great artist in a big mansion who needs a little live-in help. Every time I've read one of the ads, I've thought it was creepy, and, apparently, I'm not alone.

Here's the text of the latest ad, that the poster above is responding to:

"First let me describe the situation.

I am a High End Artist. Paintings rannge from 5,000 upwards of 100,000.00 My art is not easy to come by. [eds note: because they are going to be made of your blood.] I do not release works often. [eds. note: lack of victims, erm, assistants.] My Private investors have first dibs. I create portfolios for investors who do not want to risk the stock market. [eds. note: you know, because of the murder and all.] With my system an individual invests x ammount dollars into his account with my firm we then pick the pieces most apropriate for the particular investor. Minimum investments are 25,000. We would rather have investors start with $ 100,000.00 with a two year lock in. 

This is one as[ect of what your duties would include the promoting and planning . Youw ill be my amanda sachs. I will be your everything. I have a live in room avail for the right individual/ .[eds note: don't worry, you won't live there long.].... Please provide a photo so I know you are real. [eds note: I want to make sure you are small and dainty and that I can overpower you.]"

The "I will be your everything" line is particularly spooky! I tried to google Amanda Sachs, since I didn't get the reference, and the best I can figure is that he's referring to the high-profile exec at Microsoft. and not a random college chick with a Facebook page.

Also, I wouldn't trust any "High End Artist" who doesn't include any images of his/her artwork, though I must confess, I am reminded of another consistent Craigslist poster who posts in the arts/crafts for sale section with paintings that are done in blood. One in the same? Let's hope not, but perhaps!

Today On Craiglist: WWHFD?

Because, you know, Harrison Ford is reading Missed Connections...

Text reads: "Harrison Ford would read these messages and say "Man up, stop being a sissy !"

He wouldn't be crying or yapping over a relationship, he would be out flying his helicopter...

Sure, it hurts to lose someone. Move on."

What made this person think of Harrison Ford? Why not, say, Jesus? Or Lady Gaga?

Today On Craigslist: 3/4 Cello + Bonus

This isn't actually a listing posting today, but since I read it today, I figured it counts. This is from the best of Craigslist section.

Text reads:

"So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.

"She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.

"If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.

"Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.

"I'm 90% certain the bow's in there." (link)

What I want to know is: who broke the cello?

Today on Craigslist: Write My Book, A'ight?

Screen shot 2011-02-11 at 7.50.35 AM
Originally uploaded by literarytease

Another installation of Today on Craigslist...

You got problems? That's awesome! I want to write this book about the 33 problems that women face in their lives, but I could only think of 5. Choose your own problem and write 15 pages about. Oh, and don't act white. Also, don't be a bitter whore. Got it? Great!

Original text reads:

"I need your help.
It is a grave desire of mine,
to put out a book that speaks to the woman.
I would like the book to identify,discuss,
and offer solutions to 33 problems
that women face in life. 33 chapters,
and each chapter will be about a void...
- Incarceration
- AIDS
- Unemployment
- School drop-out rate
- Low self-esteem
You can choose any topic in the world,
but the focus of the book will be to show
women how & why...improvement is
needed.

I need 33 authors, to write 1 chapter each.

The 5 topics that I listed were just examples.
Please choose another topic....dig deeper,
what topic would you like to write 15 pages about?

ALSO: You will be credited as the author & receive royalty
checks for the rest of your life.

Traditional family structure is necessary.

Speaking proper English is NOT ?acting white.?

Kids reciting rap songs should not be tolerated.

ALL single mothers are not mean and bitter.

Women must stop picking men that are using their potential to land them in jail instead of the boardroom.

There is no shame in seeking professional help to mend broken relationships and work through mental issues.

Sexual promiscuity exists in the absence of self-control and respect."

(link)

Today on Craigslist: Bleeding Heart Liberal TV

http://www.flickr.com/photos/literarytease/5434440241/

I love Craigslist. I found my apartment and my boyfriend on Craigslist. At least half of the furniture in my house came from curb alert listings. I've bought plenty of jewelry and art supplies on Craigslist, and I've sold things, too. I've used Craigslist to advertise yard sales, to get rid of crap I don't need, and to find jobs.

I once kept a log of Missed Connections listings for an entire week, categorizing the listings by type (such as: long lost love, booty call, deadbeat dad huntin'), until I realized the quest was futile and I could never keep up.

I even made a series of Craigslist-themed buttons, just in case I wasn't alone in my obsession. Sadly, I think I am, since I haven't sold a single one. Boo!

I used to check Craigslist free listings several times a day, in the hopes of finding fabulous junk I never knew I needed, but after a while, I realized I just didn't have any room left in my house for any junk, no matter how fabulous.

So, yes, my obsession has, like all crushes, faded away, but I still check in from time to time, the same way I might look at an ex's Facebook page just to see if he's gotten fat or bald. I can't help myself.

And, sometimes, I see an ad that calls out to me. Like this one. Sure, I have no use for this "bleeding heart liberal" television, but a part of me sure wishes I did after reading this ad:

"Free 20 inch Pioneer TV. It is old, but it still works. As long as you don't want to watch any channel above 45. My own theory is that since The Fox News Channel is channel 46, it refused to tune past channel 45. I don't know why it won't go above 45. I am just assuming that since this tv is so old and still working, it's probably liberal.

Maybe you want to harvest it for parts. Or turn it into a fish tank. Or take a sledgehammer to it. Maybe you can take it to the State House on tax day for the Tea Party demonstration.

Save it from being buried in a landfill (although we all know that is where it will ultimately wind up). Prove me wrong and turn it into art that lives forever in a museum.

If this tv doesn't find a new home soon, I am afraid it might go and file for section 8.

You let me know when you want to pick it up, and I will lovingly place it out on the curb. If I am going your way, I'll even drop it off to you. Let's figure this out.

I live in Providence, on the Cranston line, off Reservoir Ave. " (link)

This is a Craigslist ad worth remembering, and so I'm starting a new blog feature called Today On Craigslist. When I find an ad that leaves me speechless, whether with laughter, terror, or whateva, I'll share it with you, my dear unknown reader. I hope you are suitably moved.